I’m sure this is normal to think. Your parents are driving you mad, they don’t understand you, they say one thing but do something else themselves. All this would not be hard to imagine.. if you’re 15.
I am, however, not 15 anymore. It’s about a decade since I was, but this is irrelevant to them. My parents treat me just as badly as they always did. In the meanwhile I grew up – whatever that involves of living on your own, studying, having relationships etc. That is, I changed. They didn’t. And I can say it right now; this post is not about that my parents treat me like the little girl I used to be, it’s about their stupidity. Remember when you were younger and being told “when you get older, you will understand why your parents behave the way they do”. I interpreted this as as I get older (and more experienced), possibly have children and all that, it will make sense. Their rants and raves through years will give some meaning. Maybe I will even feel gratefulness towards them, because they did it out of love.
I am older. I don’t have children. Yet it becomes clearer and clearer to me that my parents are not good people. It is clear to my that their behaviour had nothing to do with love at all. I will go as far as saying, had they not been my parents, I would never want anything to with them. My dad is just plain cruel. To the public, a man who does a lot of good. Within the walls of this house; an asshole. An asshole to my mother, to me and my siblings. My mother is crazy in another sense. She has an insane need of controlling every situation. She understands no reason or logic, debating with her is like debating with a voodoo priestess.
I really don’t understand how they became these people. Are they simply born evil, or do their issues come from deep psychological problems? I ask this in all seriousness. I am sure I am not alone in this situation, but if there are others out there, I feel sorry for you. Do you parents terrorize you as well? I’d be interested to hear some opinions. Because this makes me hate Christmas and family as much as when I was a child. The worst insult I hear, is when someone tells me I remind them of my parents. I am not my mother’s or my father’s daughter, and if I ever become like them, please do me a favour and push me in front of a train.
I imagine writing a serious of posts illustrating the evil of my parents, which could be useful to me and amusing to you. I’d like to hear your stories too – please, give me your best (worst) story of how bad your parents are – it will be fun!
Yesterday a friend of mine hit on me. He was drunk. I rejected him. He got a bit pissed, but was too drunk to make sense – still unfriendly though. I felt intimidated and left, and now I’m wondering if he remembers this today. He’d feel bad about it if so. If not, should I remind him of it?
This story doesn’t really need all the intricate details. I was just a bit surprised that he turned so unfriendly, did that ever happen to you? That someone great you know, just turns into another person. We change when we’re drunk and do stupid things sometimes, but you know. It doesn’t change the fact that we do them, or makes it ok.
We’ve got obsessions – I want to wipe out all the sad ideas that come to me when I am holding you
We’ve got obsessions – All you ever think about are sick ideas involving me, involving you
Hello, everyone. I haven’t written any proper posts for a long while, but I was simply too busy. Finally I have some time to do the things I’ve been neglecting for weeks now.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about a friend of mine. Our relationship is basically a friends with benefits type of thing. It wasn’t always, and now I’m unsure of what it might turn into also. Our friendship was very turbulent, in fact, not long ago he didn’t even consider me a friend. We haven’t known each other for very long and started off just hanging out. Then there was a small fling, which he backed out of – and also freaked out from the awkwardness that followed.
So we didn’t meet for a long while, and never even talked about it. I assumed that he kept distant because of what happened between us, but finally he also said that he didn’t like hanging out either. Then, to make a potentially long story short, we somehow talked through everything and started meeting as “just” friends again. We have fun together, and at some point we were back to having sex also.
But now I’m the one freaking out because he’s so enthusiastic about me. I even think he might be starting to like me, as in having feelings for me. He freaked out earlier because he didn’t have those feelings, but that it got “couply” between us. And what is it now? I’d say couply. Snuggling. Spending whole days together. Always him taking the initiative to do things. Yes, the same person who stated a month ago that he thought it was “uncomfortable” spending time with me, is buying me presents and inviting me to parties with his friends.
It’s just that the contrast is so big. I don’t believe I am imagining this, interpreting something that is not there. And I have no idea of what I feel about it. I do enjoy spending time with him whether it is going out, watching films or having sex. I used to have a crush on him and was rejected and humiliated. Still I enjoy his company, but I feel this distance somehow. What happened between us definitely did something to how I see and feel for him. But I want to like him – have you ever wanted that?
My friends know how I took it when I was “rejected” as a friend, and they say “let him fall for you and then break his heart”. I say I’m not that evil and vengeful. But I also have no idea what to do if he actually falls for me.
Autumn is busy, surprisingly enough. So while I’m doing everything i have to do, I listen to a lot of music. I guess my music taste is a bit all over the place, but here’s a song I like by Paolo Nutini. I will continue listening and finishing those tasks of mine, and then I hopefully have some more time to write :) Enjoy!
Elliott Smith sings the song Somebody that I used to know. Today I was looking at my friend’s facebook profile, and I noticed my ex-boyfriend on the friends list. Which isn’t a big deal in itself, but in this case I noticed something about his picture. It was of a baby. Yes, as it turns out, my ex had a baby with his girfriend. Probably a long time ago too.
The thing is that I didn’t know anything about this. Why? We’ve had no contact after our breakup. No contact as in we are not even friends on facebook. I guess you could call it a rough breakup. So when I noticed this, I didn’t really care about him, I was just surprised. A baby. He’s a father. I almost had to laugh, I couldn’t imagine this.
Whose heart is she throwing away?
So the point about this isn’t to bitch about my ex and his potential (lack of) parenting skills. It’s about how we sometimes lose contact with the ones who are our very best friends. Someone you have loved and spent days and nights with, and then you don’t know them anymore. He lives a different life now, so do I. I don’t know him anymore, I know nothing about his life. It’s so absurd how you can go from loving someone so passionately to being indifferent. I will think about him sometimes if I do things that were special to us, but in general he’s not a topic in my life. I assume this is how most people feel when you are over someone, it’s how we deal with it.
I still think it’s so strange, though. If you have a really close platonic friendship, naturally you can lose contact as well – it’s just this contrast that makes me wonder about – from being so tightly connected to not caring. I guess feeling something in between would just make it complicated, but I have another ex who I is still a good friend. So it’s not always like that, of course. It’s just the thought of how you in a breakup lose your best friend – and now he’s just a name on facebook, he is somebody I used to know.
Everytime I hear the word “loneliness”, terrible songs come to my mind, songs I thought I at least had supressed. This itself is depressing enough, but it’s not what this post will be about. Loneliness is first of all something I fear. I assume it’s a normal feeling, but I’m not sure if I’m lonely or not. I miss someone close, I miss companionship. I fear being alone, dying alone (“Every living creature on earth dies alone”, and all that).
Who doesn’t? We seek love, acceptance and attention. Security. I see people around me, all those shiny happy people. And I wonder if they really are happy, or if they are like me and feel the same emptiness. I should be happy, shouldn’t I? I have good friends I can talk to, I am smart and successful in the things I do. I am not depressed, I just feel so damn lonely. I want to be held, loved and close to someone.
I don’t think you can push things like this, you’ll just come off as desperate. At the same time I’m being realistic – I’m not the one who will sit around and wonder about what’s wrong with me, what do I do wrong. We can actively do things to improve our situations, but once you start to get to know someone, it has to be natural. I assume I won’t feel this loneliness for the rest of my life. I assume I will also find someone who will be that close person. I just don’t know when and take life as it comes. Only problem is that the waiting can be painful, even now calling it waiting is just tragic. I shouldn’t be waiting for anything, my life is now, yes I am living right now. Happiness shouldn’t depend on that, but my fear of being lonely is paralysing me. I have to to something about this, right now it feels like I am missing out on life.
